The Warm and Fuzzy Story
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While we were dealing with liver disease, raising our daughter, and then fighting cancer, my father, who lived about 40 minutes
away, would come to visit us during the day about once a week. These visits over the years became very special as we spent a lot of
quality time sharing our day-to-day lives, experiences and memories.
As Dad and step-mom worked their way further into their 80’s, they seemed to move farther and farther apart. Our step-mom
became more and more prone to angry outbursts and tantrums, was unfair to some members of dad’s family, and, did not want to
share pertinent information necessary to address typical blended family issues. Dad, on the other hand, would “poke the bear” and
then give into her various demands to, as he would so often say, “To keep peace in the family.” In actuality, we thought his
methodology had the opposite effect as it seemed his idea of “keeping peace” was more like slowly adding fuel to a fire. In any
event, the whole situation was very sad and seemed to escalate with every passing day.
Then, during the summer of 2006, my dad and step-mom’s issues came to a head when divorce was filed. Sandra, my daughter,
Dad, and I held a family meeting to discuss what his options were and what we all could do to help. It was decided he should move
in with us, at least until the divorce was over, as he hadn’t prepared any meals, washed clothes, taken care of financial obligations,
etc. for many years. Dad offered to compensate us for his expenses, room, board, and his 24-hour-a-day home care and
companionship needs. An eldercare specialist, CPA, and financial advisor were consulted over the next few months to help plan and
deal with our new “family situation.” We all felt very warm and fuzzy about being able to help each other and the future in general.
Seems simple enough, doesn’t it?
Continuing, Dad’s attorney said the divorce, given their age, would be over before Christmas if there weren’t too many issues, and,
if their prenuptial agreement could be used as a guideline for distribution of assets and alimony. An attorney in Virginia specializing in
prenuptial agreement cases was hired to study the prenuptial and render a written opinion on it. Her opinion was that the prenuptial
should hold up. With the opinion in hand, Dad’s attorney tallied up his and my step-mom’s known assets and figured the distribution
of those assets and alimony based on the prenuptial agreement and discussions with my step mom’s attorney. Then, it was on to a
hearing before a judge to get everything settled. Unfortunately, my step-mom balked at everything that had supposedly been agreed
to. Hence, the judge could do nothing but order them into mediation.
With delay after delay, mediation finally took place in December of 2006. My step-mom demanded the moon and stated she never
saw or signed any prenuptial before they were married and that the prenuptial agreement that was “put on the table” at the mediation
was a forgery and a fraud. Bottom line, mediation failed miserably.
Given the failed mediation, it was necessary for Dad to hire a handwriting expert to prove my step-mom had, in fact, signed the
prenuptial agreement. The handwriting expert was able to prove it was my step-mom’s signature on the agreement. Now, it became
necessary for a trial to be held to enforce the prenuptial agreement my-step mom said she never saw or signed. The trial was held
before a judge in about May of 2007, I think it was, to decide whether the prenuptial would hold or not. Because the agreement had
been signed before the 1983 Uniform Prenuptial Act, and, even though it was signed again in 2000 (so both my dad and step-mom
would have original copies), the judge threw it out. And, thrown out with the prenuptial agreement was any hope of a quick and easy
settlement as was agreed to when they were married. Now, the legal process would have to slowly grind away until a final
settlement could be negotiated. The final “consent order” and the end of their marriage was October, 2007, almost a year and a half
after the divorce was filed. By this time Dad was almost 88 and my step-mom was 87 years of age.
As it turned out, taking care of Dad and getting him through his divorce was extremely difficult for him and our family, to say the
least. We spent hundreds of hours trying to put together financial and tax records, as they had “disappeared” from the marital
residence, and dealing with all his continuing legal issues. On top of everything, Dad was developing increasing memory and paranoia
issues. Through it all, until March of 2007, we were able to keep on a relatively even keel. Then, all hell broke loose.
I have one brother and two sisters. One night in early March one of my sisters attacked my family in a vicious and venomous
manner. With Dad, my wife, my daughter, and myself on different phone extensions throughout our home, my sister started in by
accusing my wife of trying to poison Dad. Then, the money he was paying us for his expenses and care was brought up. That tirade
escalated to the accusation that our family was trying to steal dad’s money, even if we had to poison him to get it.
Dad offered to pay my sister every penny he was paying us, without her having to lift a finger and/or do a thing for him. She refused
and kept coming back with, “It isn’t about the money.” Dad asked her at least five times that if it wasn’t about the money, then what
was it about? He never did get an answer to that question. My sister continued to question money issues, but when confronted about
her motivation(s), she would take the proverbial high road and continue to say it wasn’t about the money. Back and forth, back and
forth we went with both Dad and my wife crying, and my daughter and me trying to reason with an unreasonable person. That
phone call in March changed everything.
My family and I were devastated and Dad was never the same after that call. His short-term memory continued to fade and he
became extremely paranoid. For example, he would go out, get his mail out of the mailbox and hide it in his bedroom and then forget
about it. When we found it there later, he accused us of hiding it from him. He hid his car keys with the same results. He accused
the vice president of his bank of collaborating with us to steal his money. He accused his doctor of drugging him. He wouldn’t take
his memory, blood pressure, and other medication with any regularity and when his pills were put out for him at mealtime, he would
sneak them into his pockets but at the same time act out he was taking them. Every time this sister called Dad or he called her, we
had hell to deal with for about 10 days. On top of everything else, she was calling anyone and everyone in our area accusing us of
mistreating dad and stealing his assets. We were advised to completely cut off communication with her as everything we said or did
was twisted into something ugly and used against us. We were counseled that one cannot deal rationally with an irrational person.
While this was going on, we got a report that my other sister and her husband had joined in with the first sister and had, on their
own and without the advice of Dad’s attorney, gotten in touch with our step-mom. Reportedly, both sisters and their husbands
became our enemies and my step-mom’s allies to the tune of planning various ways to have me put in jail. One can only guess what
happened in those conversations or what damage was done to my dad, his situation, and/or his estate with this, in our opinion,
despicable act of stupidity and disloyalty.
It is interesting to note that one sister and her husband lives about 600 miles away and only saw him about once a year when Dad
visited her, and the other sister and her husband lives over two thousand miles away and hadn’t seen Dad but maybe once or twice
in 30 years. And, with all their serious accusations, insinuations, and innuendos being spread all over the country by phone, neither
sister made any effort to come to Dad and save him from his supposed “evil son and his family.”
Not surprisingly for a man of 87 with his ongoing legal situation and then ongoing family squabbles, Dad finally snapped. He ended
up in and out of the hospital for 4 days only to end up there again, but this time in handcuffs. To make a sad story short, and with
the help of eldercare and elderlaw experts, he was released from the local hospital to an assisted living facility.
With all that had occurred, Dad’s divorce attorney said she felt she had to get him divorced as soon as possible. She was fully aware
my credibility was under attack by my sisters and Dad’s judgment was questionable. And, given my sisters involvement with the
other side so to speak, Dad would have to endure a long and terrible ordeal if his case went to trial. Basically, his attorney indicated
she was left with no choice but go to trial to settle the divorce any way possible and as soon as possible, and, that is exactly what
happened.
Could this happen to you?
There is so much more to the Warm & Fuzzy Story. However, a novel would have to be written to address and explain everything
that went on. Plus, I would venture to guess those that have taken the time and effort to wade through the story have understood the
gist of what occurred. The purpose of our sharing the story with you is to provide a wake-up call to those that may become
caregivers to aging parents in the future, so they may better be able to deal with associated issues and/or not make the same mistakes
we made. Could, can, will this happen to you?
You may, as we did in the beginning, feel all warm and fuzzy thinking about taking care of your parents when the time comes. The
kinds of issues described in the story only happen to other people, right? Wrong, I have been told by many eldercare and elderlaw
experts that this sort of thing happens all the time, with or without a divorce going on. And, when I shared bits and pieces of our
experience with acquaintances and those involved in trying to help us through it, I was shocked at the number of people who had
similar experiences and horror stories of their own.
I wondered why these experiences are seemingly kept so secret. Many explained it was family business, they did not want to air the
family laundry so to speak, and/or they just did not want to deal with it or think about it any more because of all the damage and hurt
their family members caused each other. Considering our experience, we eventually concluded that some of the most horrible pain
and harm in our lives can come from family.
With that said, what can you do to prevent or soften family disaster, as far as parental care and estate planning is concerned? A
grocery list of pitfalls could be presented. However, instead, a few simple steps are presented to seriously consider in order to help
avoid the pitfalls as follows:
1) Consult a qualified eldercare specialist
2) Consult a qualified elderlaw specialist.
3) Consult a qualified financial specialist.
4) Consult a CPA.
5) Caregiver(s) and/or parent(s) should attend classes and/or support groups.
Warm and fuzzy feelings can turn ugly in heartbeat. However, with good planning and sound advice the “ugly” may be lessoned or
even avoided altogether. Warm and fuzzy feelings could really be … warm and fuzzy.
Presently, Dad is in an excellent assisted living facility where his daily life and spiritual needs are being fulfilled by very caring and
knowledgeable people. He has regular visits from family members. Additionally, he met a delightful lady who also lives in his facility
that has brought him a lot of joy and companionship. With his divorce and family squabbles a thing of the past, he is happy. As far
as our family is concerned, our daughter is entering her senior year in college soon, and, Sandra and I are happy traveling and living
in our RV full-time. To our relief, we are getting our lives back and moving forward once again.